colector: [JournalWriting] Journal Entry -- Last Night's SI Desire Understood

Last Night's SI Desire Understood

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I made it through the night with no SI. After writing the previous entry, I decided to play some of my favorite songs and do a number of word finds in the giant word find book I have (which is part of my 101 Goals in 1001 Days project). That always calms me and helps me zone out.

I chose to use my favorite scented lotion, Bath & Body Works' Blue Lavender Palmarosa aromatherapy lotion, on the body parts that I would typically cut on--namely my legs and most importantly (most abused) my arms. I concentrated on being loving to these areas while deeply inhaling the calming aroma of the lotion (it's from their Relax line). It's a damn shame Bath & Body Works has discontinued the scent.

I then journaled in my visual journal. I colored red slashes--what I longed to do to my skin, I drew on paper instead. I wrote out the desire. I journaled in my on-line journal and shared with my on-line groups. I wasn't looking for pity or shame, just comfort and support. And my friends there on-line were amazing.

I went and hung out with the Man with the Soft Brown Eyes. I told him nothing about this. As I walked to his apartment, the wind was gusting and blowing, pushing me around. When I got to his landing on the third floor, the wing was especially strong. I stood and faced it, letting it whip my body. It tore the breath out of my lungs and I visualized it ripping out the stress and crap from me and flinging it far, far away. I had a nice romp with the Man with the Soft Brown Eyes and just relaxed. Once home, I read through more responses to my post. I really am blessed with so many people who care about me.

For me, cutting is a stress relief. It's also an outlet for anger. And I'm stressed and pissed about work. I've tried to be fucking Super Woman--doing everything myself; showing off to prove I'm a better employee than Bhavini; and Bhavini has just been getting my way the whole time--seemingly on purpose at times. Well, I'm done with that.

I'll be in whatever classroom Bhavini isn't. I'll be more assertive with her, too. I don't have anything to prove. I know my own worth in my job--and so does my boss.

I'm changing up where I walk Holly, as I don't like walking with all the traffic where I walk her currently. Besides, my route is actually longer--and I do need the extra exercise to get rid of some of this stress. I also need to do my yoga once again. I like the calmness it brings me and the flexibility. I've only got 10 more pounds I wish to loose and then I'll be at my goal weight, so now is the perfect time to begin toning up my body. Maybe once I have the money for the trip all saved up, I can enroll in an actual yoga class.....

To hear the sound of the wolf is to experience a singularly moving sensual experience of wilderness. Sound of unreachable quality, seeming weird and inhuman. But not unearthly. For it is of the essence of the creature wolf: of his spirit, his being, his truth. A transcendental song that took form uncounted millennia before time was defined. Something elemental. A living call from the past. A revelation of the very Universe.
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A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.

Maya Angelou

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