colector: [JournalWriting] Not a Happy Go Lucky Post

Just warning you that this isn't a happy-go-lucky post from me. If you cut, or have cut before, or are a recovering cutter, you might not want to read as this could be triggering.

I have a Confession....

Monday, February 25, 2008

I miss cutting. I miss the self-injury.

Not sure why (ok, so I'm fucking hormonal right now--damn MoonTime is coming soon and it's really screwing with me this time around). But anyways, the desire to cut has hit the roof today.

That evil, oily voice tells me to assert my independence. To be my own woman and to do whatever the fuck I please. It whispers that being SI-free is just another constraint put upon me by the outside world. It isn't something I really want, but do to please others.

Which is partially true, mostly not, though.

It's been almost 2 years now since the last time I engaged in any form of Self-Inflicted Harm. April 11th will be exactly 2 years. Two years SI-free.

I don't want to go back to being a cutter. It's like being a junkie. I may not always be high, but I'm thinking about that next hit.

I did some poking around on the internet, trying to see if the medical community had an opinion on if SI-behavior is temporary, or if it's akin to alcoholism and is something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.

And I haven't found a god damn thing on it. *growls*
So I emailed one of the SI-help groups out there, asking them.
I'm curious, yet dreading, their response.

Note: No, I haven't cut yet. I haven't engaged in any form of SI. And I have no plans to do so. I just needed to let this out so I don't. I got plenty of blades and whatnot to do the trick, if I so desired. But I have no intentions of going back down that road, so please don't tell me not to do it because it's bad, or because I shouldn't. I just wanted to voice it. So it's real. So I don't have to cut.........

To hear the sound of the wolf is to experience a singularly moving sensual experience of wilderness. Sound of unreachable quality, seeming weird and inhuman. But not unearthly. For it is of the essence of the creature wolf: of his spirit, his being, his truth. A transcendental song that took form uncounted millennia before time was defined. Something elemental. A living call from the past. A revelation of the very Universe.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.

Maya Angelou

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