colector: [JournalWriting] Re: My Thoughts On Suicide

--- In JournalWriting@yahoogroups.com, "kimberly_moore23"
<kimberly_moore23@...> wrote:
>
> frustrated
> feel hopeless
> lack of direction.
> don't understand whats going on in my life
> very confused
> menopause and harassment.
> Anyway, its sad when someone gets to the point of committing
> suicide because the root is a lack of direction or maybe
> harassment and the inability to move forward and get on
> with their lives. Opression can make a wise person insane.
> I hope I helped a little bit. Kim

You hit it right on the head for me, Kim.
Exactly what I was going through during my last suicide attempt.

1. dh lost job
2. dh out of work for 1 year then goes back to work for his dad
3. sell house and move in with inlaws in another state
4. dh contracts a bacterial infection that destroys his mitral
valve and just makes it after emergency open heart surgery...
out of work again.
5. bomb dropping- son diagnosed "autism, mental
retardation unspecified"... all your hopes/dreams for your
child go flying out the window
6. psychologist gave me a pamphlet and said "go to the district."
7. current school district refused to do anything and I had no idea
where to go or who to turn to
8. son escaped out of the house 3 times... 2 of those times we
had the police searching for him, the last an alert (and
awake at 4am!) neighbor found him and brought him back
9. inlaws announced they were selling the house
10. scrambled for an apartment... any apartment...
11. find teenie tiny apartment in the middle of snooty town I'd never
even heard of before and thus knew no one and where
other moms didn't talk to me because they thought I was just
THE NANNY
12. felt very isolated/cut off/completely powerless
13. serious SLEEP DEPRIVATION... you know, that method of torture
still used by military all over the world to break prisoners...
Alex would not fall asleep 'till 11pm then get up at 1am and
stay up till 5am... night after night after night...
14. instead of hearing a simple "What's wrong?" from those
closest to me who should have been there to help
I got, "What the f*ck is wrong with you?"
15. and I still get the verbal abuse that I'm the one who's
"broken/damaged" (though it doesn't sting as much anymore
with medication to dull the impact)

Yes, I am bipolar manic... since we believe my paternal grandfather
was also bipolar, it's genetic.

Suicide? Genes loaded the gun, 1-15 above (the worst parts within the
span of 2 years) pulled the trigger.

I guess it was a damned lucky thing it missed.

Mary, CT