colector: Re: [JournalWriting] Not a Happy Go Lucky Post

I wonder if you could pin down exactly what you miss about it, you could then find other ways to meet that need. For instance ways other than cutting
to assert the independence.

It's so healthy to talk about it, instead of doing it. We are not in recovery, as you are aware, but I do think it is like other addictions where you always worry about it. I have talked to others who have been Si free for varying number of years, and they often say that while the desire continues to lessen as they learn more ways to cope, sometimes the urge does come back up.

2 years. Wow what a wonderful accomplishment. Congrats.

Patches

Walks with Wolves wrote:

Just warning you that this isn't a happy-go-lucky post from me. If you cut, or have cut before, or are a recovering cutter, you might not want to read as this could be triggering.

I have a Confession....
Monday, February 25, 2008

I miss cutting. I miss the self-injury.

Not sure why (ok, so I'm fucking hormonal right now--damn MoonTime is coming soon and it's really screwing with me this time around). But anyways, the desire to cut has hit the roof today.

That evil, oily voice tells me to assert my independence. To be my own woman and to do whatever the fuck I please. It whispers that being SI-free is just another constraint put upon me by the outside world. It isn't something I really want, but do to please others.

Which is partially true, mostly not, though.

It's been almost 2 years now since the last time I engaged in any form of Self-Inflicted Harm. April 11th will be exactly 2 years. Two years SI-free.

I don't want to go back to being a cutter. It's like being a junkie. I may not always be high, but I'm thinking about that next hit.

I did some poking around on the internet, trying to see if the medical community had an opinion on if SI-behavior is temporary, or if it's akin to alcoholism and is something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.

And I haven't found a god damn thing on it. *growls*
So I emailed one of the SI-help groups out there, asking them.
I'm curious, yet dreading, their response.

Note: No, I haven't cut yet. I haven't engaged in any form of SI. And I have no plans to do so. I just needed to let this out so I don't. I got plenty of blades and whatnot to do the trick, if I so desired. But I have no intentions of going back down that road, so please don't tell me not to do it because it's bad, or because I shouldn't. I just wanted to voice it. So it's real. So I don't have to cut.........