colector: [JournalWriting] Re: File - Check in....Roll Call

Hello,I joined this group a month or two ago. Never really wanted to
read anything that was sent out. But as I sit here crying sometimes at
the screen. I open my email, and start reading, my brain makes my
fingers click the mouse to do so. I have read almost everything. Never
really responding to anyone. I even indulged in the email about
suicide,going against what my inner voice said, to NOT! read that.

I can only tell you how close I was, to doing so.Then I woke up. I
lost custody of my four beautiful children, I was suburban soccer mom,
had 2 boys and 2 girls, really well mannered respectful children.. I
strive for them to be well mannered and have the up most respect for
others, and for themselves. Those are really the only two things left
in life that are free. Manners and Respect.
I won't give out the reason why I lost them but I can tell you its
every mothers worse nightmare. its still fresh in my heart and i'm not
ready to open that wound just yet. What does a mother do now? after
having lost her babies. my heart has lost the reason to live. its hard
for me to go shopping and hear other children holler out MOMMY. going
down the aisle with little girl clothes and boys sports gear, teddy
bears, and race cars I lost everything.

not knowing where they are who has them. if they are ok it makes me
nuts. I wanted to just stab my self in the heart to get rid of the
pain. and maybe if I laid in the middle of the street,waited for a
huge 18 wheeler to do it. To my surprise the devil was pulling my
right arm and god was on the left arm fighting over me. He wasn't
giving up and he never let go of that arm. Just then i knew GOD really
did care, he was there,when I wanted to walk out on to the main
street, it was him that stopped me. Him that grabbed my sisters
steering wheel when I drove her car. He knows its not my destiny to
end it like that.yes HE DOES HAVE A BIGGER PLAN FOR US. Do I know what
it is? of course not, don't be silly. Imagine, if all of us knew what
our great plans were, most of us would have them done asking now what?

Well I found my spirit again, regained control of my emotions, and use
my words. I'm in college now taking up the very thing I enjoy the
most. Writing! expressing oneself with a large array of words is such
a graceful gift, anyone can have. Emotions are such a great thing in
our lives as well. We use them to think, we use Emotions to help us
express humor,anger,love,compassion. Well I now volunteer at a
homeless center for teenagers. Helping others is what I have always
been good at, and if I can just reach out to 10 teenage girls in my
life. I'll be satisfied. p.s. My oldest child just turned 17 on
Saturday. and she has been emailing me, and calling me just about
every other day. Dealing with those emotion's will be hard but can be
done take care everyone until get the urge to write again.

Below is a poem my mother use to recite to me I hope you'll enjoy it.

True Friends are like Diamonds,
Precious but rare.
False Friends are like Autumn
leaves found Everywhere.

NOW I CAN FINALLY SAY I JUST DID ROLL CALL.LOL