colector: [JournalWriting] Re: My Thoughts On Suicide

First of all, Elizabeth, Linda and Kathi- I didn't mean to scare anybody, and I love you guys for jumping in with threats of mayhem upon me for even approaching the idea of letting nature have its way with me. I really didn't expect my remark to have such vehement repercussions. I thank you, and love you, for your passion and concern.

Second: As I've said here, before, I just had my annual check-up with my oncologist, and every thing is rosy. Barring a thunderbolt, or other "Deus ex machina", I'll be around awhile.

Now:

I live in a nursing home. Every day I see decay and death around me. Seeing the decay is worse than seeing the deaths. More than anything, the thought of ending my days drooling and pissing on myself, or not recognizing my own face in a mirror, scares the shit out of me. I also don't want those who love me to have to watch my slow decline feeling helpless and angry with themselves for their helplessness. When I exit the stage, I want to still be able, ham that I am, to hear the applause... to know it's for me. And while it will seem morbid to say, I want to face death knowing I am. Death is the last great adventure.

To everything, there is a season. This is the lesson that life has taught me. It isn't a bitter lesson.

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste death but once.
Of all the wonders that I have yet heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear,
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it come. Wm. Shakespeare

I have not said I would take my own life. I will not say that I've totally exorcised that demon, but I am more aware of dangerous drifts of thought and mood that would lead me to action and have outlets and support that keep me from wandering too far down that road. Being here, in the home, is in itself, is one deterring element. Here, I'm always around others and the opportunities are limited. That, and the knowledge that I don't want to travel the suicide road, again, helps in the more difficult moments.

The developments concerning Craig do not, of course, create an aura of contentment, but they are not enough to push me over the edge. When I began my relationship with Craig, I'd made a pledge to myself that the first rule of it was that I would not let my attachment become a detriment to any chance to make his situation better.

I fulfilled that pledge by finding his brothers and encouraging their presence in his life. When I began the effort, I was well aware of the possibility that this might interfere with our relationship. The results are no sudden surprise.

This note is getting longer than I'd first intended.

In my original comment, I said only that if my cancer returned, I would let it run its course. This statement is an act of preparation, not despair. I have already informed my family of my decision. I have prepared a list of instructions for my family regarding decisions that, too often, are left for others to resolve.

I will never be able to say how much I have come to appreciate this site, or how much I have come to love my special people (you know who you are) here. With a little luck, that circle will grow, but if it doesn't, I'm already richer in love than I expected.

I meant this note to be comforting; reading it over, I realize it may not be as comforting as might a kind denial of the original statement. I can't do that and feel honest.

I do not know what else to say, except I'm sure I'll be around long enough to be, finally, if not already, boring.

__._,_.___

Messages in this topic (13) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic